This was supposed to be a
happy post, but it isn’t. Warning: It might get graphic.
Friday, Aug 5th we
went to Idaho Falls to get blood work done to find out if we were still
pregnant with the two embryos that we had transferred. Not expecting to hear
the results for
several hours we decided to
do some errands while we were in town. Daniel was getting his hair cut when my
phone rang. It was the doctor’s office. I silently panicked, then answered the
phone. My nurse started talking and from the tone of her voice I just knew she
was going to say it was negative. But then she told me it was a positive test
result! We really were still pregnant! I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing. And
then once I started breathing again I went right into bawling my eyes out. I
couldn’t believe it! I was so happy!! She told me that they look for the HCG
levels to be around 100 and mine were at 300! That was a good sign that
possibly both embryos made it!
I was so excited to tell
Daniel! He was so giddy when he found out. And for the next few days we were
secretly planning everything. We wanted twins, but we were even fantasizing
about having triplets.
We told my family the
amazingly good news. We made plans to tell Daniel’s family on Sunday, Aug 14th
because we would all be together for a family reunion. And then we were going
to announce it to the world on Monday after we had our first ultrasound that
would tell us how many sacs there were. We know that being IVF my pregnancy is
always high risk, but we just wanted to tell everyone the good news.
It was morning on Saturday,
Aug 13th, I was sitting on the couch talking with my sister-in-law
about the coming family reunion. After we hung up I stayed on the couch looking
up some information on my phone. And then I felt it… It wasn’t the same
ooziness or leaking that came from my vaginal pills; it was a gush of blood.
I stood up and ran to the
bathroom. There was blood all over my underwear and legs. Clots and chunks were
coming out too. I yelled to Daniel. He asked if maybe I was just spotting,
which could be normal. When he came in I saw his face and he knew exactly what
I did deep down: We were having another miscarriage.
After cleaning up we hugged
and cried. We were still holding on to the hope that this was a fluke or that
there could still be one embryo still inside. I asked him to give me a
priesthood blessing. He called up his dad and his brother, Ben, who lives close
by, to come over and help give me a blessing. I’m grateful that they did. I was
shaking; my whole body was shaking and I couldn’t stop crying. The whole time I
was receiving the blessing I kept wanting to hear something to the effect of “you
are still pregnant, you are healed, you will still have a baby…” But those
words were never said. I was given comfort and strength. I was able to calm
down and be comforted. As Ben and Daniel gave me a blessing I could feel their
tears falling on my head. I knew that Daniel was in as much pain as I was.
We talked to our nurse and
she told us to lay low, drink lots of water, take my medicine as normal and
wait until Monday when we had our ultrasound scheduled. I continued to bleed
and also I started cramping. This was not a good sign, but I was still hoping
that there was still one little embryo holding on while the hell in my body
swirled around him.
By evening the bleeding had
slowed to just dripping and I hadn’t had any clots come out since 1 or 2 PM. I
really thought, “Okay. This is good. Maybe we will still be okay.” The next
morning, Sunday, everything was about the same as the night before. We were
packing and getting stuff ready for the reunion. I had told Daniel if I was
still feeling crappy then I didn’t want to go. But that morning I had been
okay-ish so we decided to still go. Then around 10 AM I started cramping really
bad, so I laid back down and hoped everything would be fine.
I was till just spotting, so
we packed up the truck and went down to his parent’s house to get the jet skis
for the reunion. As he was fueling up the jet skis I felt it again - a gush of
blood. I ran into his parent’s house (they had already left to go to the
reunion luckily). More bleeding, more clots, and then came the embryo sac. My
heart sank. I knew that this wasn’t just my uterine lining shedding off. I took
pictures just in case the doctor wanted to see it and so I could show Daniel
(gross, I know, but don’t judge me until you have had to deal with this). I
didn’t cry, I think I had shed all my tears the morning before.
After bleeding and having
cramps for 2 hours things started to slow down. Daniel and I decided that we
were either going to be miserable at home waiting to go to the doctor the next
day, or we could go to the reunion and still be miserable, but at least have a
distraction and family support to get us through to the doctor’s appointment
the next day. So we drove to Island Park. Island Park was beautiful. We stayed
in a beautiful cabin. It was fun to be with family.
Monday, Aug 15th we
drove to Idaho Falls for our ultrasound. Daniel and I were both on edge. We so
badly wanted them to tell us that there was still a baby in my belly. We waited
at the doctor’s office for an hour past our scheduled appointment. We were
going crazy and may have gotten a little more than snippy at the receptionist.
We were stressed and we needed answers.
We told the ultrasound tech
that we were pretty sure that we miscarried this weekend, and you could tell
that she really hoped she could tell us good news. We watched the screen as she
checked everything out. Daniel realized that since she hadn’t told us that she
could see a sac that it meant she was stalling, not wanting to give us the bad
news.
We are no longer pregnant.
We faxed the ultrasound over
to our doctor immediately and he told us to get some bloodwork done to check my
hormone levels. My HCG tested at just under 2,000, so we go back in on Thursday
to have it checked again to make sure that it is going down and that I don’t
somehow have an ectopic pregnancy.
This is not what we wanted. I
really thought that since we had gotten to almost 6 weeks that maybe it would
work. It hurts. Sure there is the bleeding, the cramps, the crying fits and
hormone rollercoaster, but it is my heart that hurts the most. It hurts to see
my husband aching. He tries to act normal, but he’s not fooling anyone: this is
hard and it is hard to handle the stress of it.
Yes we still have frozen
embryos. That will probably give us hope in a few months; if we can convince
each other to put ourselves through this agony again.
But for now we need to mourn
our loss. It is a devastating blow that breaks our heart so much.
Thank you again to everyone
for your love, support and donations. We really wanted this to have a happy
ending. Thank you for sticking with us and loving us.
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