Shout Out for Daniel

I want to take this time to give a shout out to Daniel for being a marvelous man. I know that in some of my posts I focus on me and my problems and my feelings and he can seem like a small, distant part of the story. This is not the case. This blog was actually his idea, a way to get our names out to birthparents and as something to give our future child to show them how much we wanted them in our family.
Daniel is my rock. Throughout this whole journey he has loved me when I am least loveable, he has supported the decisions I have made and he feels the same heartache that I do. When I am in a low spot because I feel worthless because I think that a woman is genetically designed to bear children, but I can't, or when I think I have failed him because I can't give him the chance to be the great dad I know he will be, or when I'm doubting if I even want to be a mom, he is there holding me, wiping away my tears, telling me not to think like that. And when I get mad or insecure, I take my frustration out on him, accusing him of things that are untrue, and I say mean things. But he listens as I boil over, and still loves me, even though at the time I don't deserve it.

Daniel is going to make a great dad. Kids are drawn to him. If he has a beard kids are initally scared, but give them a few minutes to get past it and then they are best friends. He really is a human jungle gym; a kid at heart. One of my favorite things is to watch him teach a snowboard lesson to a group of kids. He is so animated, patient, and really just a good instructor.
I love Daniel. I love that we get to grow old together. I am so happy that we are sealed for time and all eternity. He is my Captain America, I'm a pretty lucky girl that he loves me back.

Public Opinion

When we first started trying to get pregnant only one of my sister-in-laws knew. We wanted it to be a surprise when we told everyone we were pregnant. After being married for a couple of years people start asking "When are you going to have kids?" We'd brush it off and say "Oh someday." We didn't want to tell people we were having problems getting pregnant. But as we started going to the doctor we began telling our family and friends. We figured the more people praying for us the better our chances of getting pregnant.
We are at the age where all our friends and sibling are having kids. Sometimes people are afraid to tell us their good news because they don't want to hurt us. But we are happy for them! What an exciting time for them. Just because we can't have biological children doesn't mean we don't want others too. True, sometimes I get sad or jealous, but it is a personal thing and nothing against the expectant parents.
There was a time when I would get so angry and hurt when random people would ask "Why don't you have kids. You should be having kids," or my favorite "Maybe you should stop doing so much playing and have kids." Seriously, why do people say things to people whom they know nothing about. Unfortunately people are always going to make thoughtless comments. Daniel and I have now accepted that and instead of getting angry we just tell them "Well thanks, but we can't have kids." It is actually kind of funny to see them realize they've said something rude or unthoughtful and try to back pedal. It is also hard when you can tell that people don't think that you are trying hard enough to have kids, or when they give you advise on how to get pregnant - yeah, because they've ever had to deal with infertility.
I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what people say or think. We all have different trials in life. It would do us all good to remember to "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Infertility and Faith

There were times when I questioned God; I couldn't see his plan for us. We wanted to start our family. We could provide a good home, with a loving family. This is a righteous desire so why can't we get pregnant?
The first major time I was dealing with feelings like this was after two years of trying to get pregnant. We had just done a round of ovulation treatment and had gotten a negative on the the pregnancy test that morning. At church all the talks were about trials and it just really hit me hard. I had to go out to the foyer I was crying so uncontrollably. As I was sitting there I realized how blessed I really was. No I couldn't have kids, but I did have a wonderful, loving husband. I have sisters and friends who don't have that blessing yet in their lives. So who am I to doubt or complain when I have so much happiness in my husband.
Over time we have come to rely on the Lord and his timing. Just like they say, "Hind sight is 20/20."
Looking back we realize that if we had kids when we wanted to, we would have missed out on so much. We've had the chance to travel and make memories as a couple that has strengthened our marriage and given us experiences we can draw on for the rest of our lives. We got to spend time with my sister before she passed away, that if we'd had kids would not have happened and those are memories I will cherish forever.
This experience has brought us closer to our Heavenly Father. It helps us to rely on his love, his wisdom, and to trust in his timing. It is so comforting to know that He can see the big picture and our path on it. It also brought us closer as a couple. We've been able to understand each others pain as no one around us can.
Infertility is hard. I don't think our friends and family truly realize the pain and stress it causes, or the trials we've had to bear. I don't think you can really understand unless it happens to you. But our Father in Heaven knows our pain and hears our prayers. He offers us his open, loving arms to comfort us and guide us.

Infertility

Adoption has always been a thought in the back of my mind. As a teenager my menstrual cycles were abnormal, but doctors brushed it off as me being young and my body trying to figure things out. From then on I knew adoption could be a part of my future.
What I didn't expect was how hard it is to deal with infertility.
January 2008 we started our journey. We had just graduated from college and were trying to settle down. We thought the timing would be just right and we'd have a baby in the fall.
A year passed by and still no baby. There were a couple false alarms, but the pregnancy test stick always came out negative. It is hard on you emotionally to get your hopes up and then knocked down when you see that negative sign. After that first year we realized we'd have to do more than just hope and try.
I started keeping a daily health log, taking my temperature to figure out my ovulation. Then buying ovulation tests and peeing on a stick every day of the month and getting so frustrated trying to figure out if I was ovulating or not. Often I would bleed so heavy and with massive clots I thought I might be having a miscarriage. Then there are months at a time that I wouldn't bleed at all. My hormones were all over the place.
After almost two years we came to the conclusion that we couldn't do this on our own. The next phase - doctor visits. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Two out of ten women have PCOS. There is no cure and they don't know how or why women have it. So everything the doctor does is really just trial and error. PCOS means my eggs never develop and release from my ovaries. They stay in cyst form and build up. In other words I don't ovulate; Infertile.
There are of course other side effects of PCOS that I have to deal with besides infertility. My side effects include weight gain, especially around the mid section, excessive body hair, loss of hair from your head, acne, abnormal menstrual cycles, loss of energy, and moodiness. Just what every girl wants, right?
I started with having a healthy diet and exercise to try to lose weight. The doctor prescribed Metformin. It didn't work, so the doctor added Clomid. Clomid is meant to make you ovulate. So here Daniel and I are again, me peeing on sticks trying to catch the right time to make a baby. It doesn't matter if Daniel or I are "in the mood" or not. If we want a baby we've got to try right then.
Nothing was working. Daniel was tested, my doses were raised, there were more pills. Pills to make me bleed, pills to make me ovulate, pills for hormones, pills for who knows what.
I was done. Drained emotionally and tired physically. I think that if any of the medication would have worked my body would have canceled it out because of all my stress from trying to have a baby. It was time to take a step back. We stopped "trying" for a couple of months, hoping to let my body rest and reset. Of course secretly we were wishing that by simplifying we would miraculously get pregnant. We didn't.
When we were ready to try again I was done with doctors and their trial and error medications. This time we went a natural route. I started having acupuncture done and taking vitamins and herbal supplements. At first it seemed like it was helping, but then before long my body went back to its old tricks.
At this point I found a new doctor, one that is highly specialized for infertility. Things had been going OK, but still no baby in my belly.