Ready to Adopt!

We are official now! We finally finished all of the pre-adoption paperwork, interviews, appointments, etc. Our profile is up at https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/30804633/ourMessage.jsf   So go check it out or share it with anyone you know that might be considering adoption.
I was super stressed about the home visit and making sure everything went just perfect. And of course I was worried for nothing. It was pretty chill. We really like our case worker, he is a very down to earth, nice guy. Everything went smoothly and now we are good to get a baby!
It is crazy to think that it can happen anytime now. It could be a week or five years; hopefully closer to three months to a year. It'd be hard to have to wait a very long time because I feel like we've already waited so long on our journey to get to this point. But we are here now and we are very excited!
Daniel and I just posted our profile on facebook today. The more we can get our names out there the higher our chances are of finding a child to adopt. We are so grateful for our friends and family that support us and help us out so much. Many of them don't even know what a strength and support they have been to us through this journey.
We had some wonderful holidays this year. Thanksgiving we got to spend a week with my family, and Christmas with Daniel's family. Tonight we are going to ring in the New Year with some friends. You can't ask for better than all that. We are some pretty blessed kids. So bring on 2014 - it is going to be a great year!

We did family pictures for a Christmas present and we are spelling out our last name. We got lucky enough to get the letter "D." These are some of the pics for that.

Adoption: Phase 2

Daniel and I visited LDS Family Services last Tuesday! We had our papers transferred from the Spokane, WA office, where we started, down here to Idaho Falls. Not much happened at the appointment. Dale, our case worker, told us that first we needed to pay a fee and then we’d move on to the next phase. There are background checks, physical exams from doctors, employment verification, financial statements, and letters of recommendation. Then there are classes we have to take, and we need to start creating our profile. And there is still a third phase we have to complete after all this too. Yeah, it’s a lot of stuff, but obviously is going to be totally worth it.

It is really exciting to be finally moving the adoption process along. We’re so excited! A little nervous, but mainly excited.




I've been working on our profile page and this is what I've created so far. But remember it is still a work in progress.

Pretty Close to 0% Chance

During the summer I started going to a new doctor. I was pretty pumped on him because everything he suggested we should do made sense.
He started out by putting me on birth control. I know this sounds counterproductive but it was to give my body a break, to let it relax before pumping it full of fertility drugs. After a month of birth control he prescribed Clomid and Femara, both fertility meds, and also two kinds of natural/herbal/vitamin fertility pills.
With other doctors I’ve had, after prescribing fertility pills, I had to do ovulation tests to see if the pills were working. It is so hard to read those tests and sometimes the meds you are taking can give you false readings. So it is really a guessing game. I had told my new doctor that I was tired of guessing, tired of wondering if the meds helped, but we missed the window of opportunity, or if the meds just didn’t work for us. My doctor suggested that we do Trans vaginal ultrasounds. On day 3 of my cycle I would get an ultrasound and on day 14 I would get another one. The ultrasounds would be checking to see my progress with the medicine and to see if they were helping me to ovulate.
That first month I took the fertility meds and vitamins and after the day 14 ultrasound, I didn’t have any follicles. This means my body didn’t release an egg and was not going to in the next two weeks either. Meaning there was no chance of getting pregnant.
Month 2 my doctor gave me pills to induce my period since I wasn’t having it on my own and he doubled my Femara dosage and kept me on all the other pills too. I asked why he didn’t double my Clomid dosage, like previous doctors had done. He explained that double Clomid makes your mucus membrane thicker which makes it harder for sperm to penetrate and make it to the egg. Why didn’t my other doctors know this!
After the ultrasound on day 14 of month 2 I did have a few follicles (yeah!), but they measured 6 and smaller and the doctor wants them between 18-20 (boo!). So the chances of me ovulating were very slim to none. Meaning not really a chance to get pregnant. As depressing as that news is, at least I know that normal fertility pills don’t work. Now I don’t have to go through more months of pills that make me act crazy, or getting my hopes up. At least now we know for sure.
The worst part is when I sat down with my doctor after month 2 and he told me there is nothing else he can do for me. He referred us to an invitro specialist in Salt Lake City. It was at this point that I had him fill out the infertility paperwork for the adoption agency. One of the questions on the form is “What is this couple’s chance of conceiving? 0% 15% 30% 50% 75% Other.” He said “Well, I hate to tell anyone that there is 0%, so I’ll write in less than 15%. But the chance is very unlikely.”
That broke my heart. I always knew that could be a truth, but it is different hiding the thought in the back of your mind compared to someone telling you to your face. I didn’t cry in the doctor’s office – I hate crying in front of people. I tried calling my mom, no answer. I tried calling my sister, no answer. I called one of my sisters in-law, and with saying “Hi. So I just got out of my doctor appointment…” I started crying, no, I was sobbing. It was too hard to vocalize it; it would mean that it was true.
I went to Daniel’s work to tell him and he just held me tight and let me cry. We cried together.
Later on I got ahold of my mom and of course I started crying again (ugh!). She was trying to console me and was telling me there is a reason for everything. I know what she was saying is true. I know that God has a plan for Daniel and me and that our path isn’t as traditional as those around us. I know things will work out, but it still sucks. It sucks having to deal with all this. It sucks being told basically you can’t bear children. It sucks thinking that if Daniel would have married someone else he could have as many kids as he wanted.
But you know what? My mom is right, things will work out. We have to go through infertility because we need to adopt. There is a child that will be in our family, but they have to touch someone else’s life first. I know this to be true, and that does give me comfort. Is our current trial still hard to go through? Yes, of course. But just like that song I mentioned on my last post says, “Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through; was the price that I paid to see this view; and now that I'm here I would never trade...”(Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks).
These experiences and trials that Daniel and I are going through are going to make us have so much more love and appreciation for the child that comes into our family. We know that God IS directing a specific child to be in our family.
If there are any birth parents reading this, I’m asking you to please listen to the Spirit and trust those feelings you have. You have a hard trial to bear, but you are not alone. You are loved. And you will be giving so much happiness and love. Thank you.

Trials can be Blessing in Disguise

I know it has been awhile since blogging. After moving back down to Southeast Idaho we put the adoption process on hold because Daniel was changing careers and looking for a teaching job. We figured it wouldn’t look too good to adopt a baby and be unemployed.

All summer long Daniel was applying and interviewing, but in the end no one wanted to hire a brand new teacher when there were other applicants with more experience. Two weeks before schools were starting there were still teaching jobs being posted. He applied for a third grade position, got an interview and was hired, all within 24 hours. It is amazing how everything fell into place.

The whole summer it was a trial not finding a job, but now that he has this job it all makes sense. He is so happy at the school he is teaching at, with great students and a fantastic staff to help guide him. It is funny how the Lord gives us blessings in disguise. It can be so hard to go through a trial, but at the end of it you can look back and see why things happened that way. It reminds me of a song that a friend of mine sang in church a month ago. It’s called “Beautiful Heartbreak” by Hilary Weeks. It has such an amazing background story as well. I highly recommend listening to it.

 

Here is the link to the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=xyX-I-um5Kk

Choosing to Adopt

As I've mentioned before, from my teenage years I knew adoption might be a part of my future. When Daniel and I were dating I asked him about his thoughts on adoption; He said he'd be cool with it. Back then it was just a thought, something to be considered. After five and a half years of infertility, adoption has become a reality.
We had decided years ago to keep keep trying to work out our infertility problems and not do anything drastic, whether it was invitro or adoption, until I turned thirty.
Laying in bed one night last summer, 2012, as typical, thoughts were running through my mind. I was thinking about turning thirty in a year and trying to figure out what route I wanted to follow to start our family. I asked Daniel what direction he thought we should take. Of course me talking woke him up, that boy can fall asleep so fast, so he really wasn't in any condition to be thinking about deep matters. He mumbled "I don't know...but I'll think about it."
Fast forward to Sunday, February 17, 2013. Our friends had just moved away that week and we typically got to hold their baby and help with their kids during church. We are sitting in church, alone, watching all these families around us. It made me think of how much I wanted that. Next, in sunday school the spirit was really strong and I also started thinking of my sister, who recently passed away. I was overcome with emotions and couldn't hold back my tears and sobs. So much in fact that we skipped out on third hour and went home. Daniel and I took Diesel on a long walk, to help me calm down and enjoy the peace of nature.
Back at home I was feeling good. We laid down for an afternoon nap, but instead we started talking. Daniel asked me "What made you so emotional today?" I told him "I was thinking about my sister, wishing we could start our own family and feeling the spirit really close." Then I asked him, "Have you thought about what we should do this summer when I turn thirty?" He said he had been thinking a lot about it today and that he thinks maybe we should look more into adoption. I told him I agree and that today I had the distinct impression that

There is a child that is meant to be in our family, but they need to touch someone else's life first.
 

As soon as we both shared our feelings and inspirations I immediately felt a calm peaceful feeling. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me and I could breath. I knew this was the right choice. I was so  excited and happy! I wanted to tell everyone and start doing adoption paperwork that day.
Over the next week we talked with others in our church ward that have been through the adoption process. It was nice to hear about it first hand and to see how they received such beautiful miracles in their lives. Daniel and I have decided to go through the LDS adoption agency. We stopped by the offices and got started on all the paperwork.
And so our journey begins, hoping to adopt. I know that there could be a hard and emotional road ahead of us, but I know that this is what our Father in heaven wants us to do, and that makes me happy because it is what we want to do too.

Shout Out for Daniel

I want to take this time to give a shout out to Daniel for being a marvelous man. I know that in some of my posts I focus on me and my problems and my feelings and he can seem like a small, distant part of the story. This is not the case. This blog was actually his idea, a way to get our names out to birthparents and as something to give our future child to show them how much we wanted them in our family.
Daniel is my rock. Throughout this whole journey he has loved me when I am least loveable, he has supported the decisions I have made and he feels the same heartache that I do. When I am in a low spot because I feel worthless because I think that a woman is genetically designed to bear children, but I can't, or when I think I have failed him because I can't give him the chance to be the great dad I know he will be, or when I'm doubting if I even want to be a mom, he is there holding me, wiping away my tears, telling me not to think like that. And when I get mad or insecure, I take my frustration out on him, accusing him of things that are untrue, and I say mean things. But he listens as I boil over, and still loves me, even though at the time I don't deserve it.

Daniel is going to make a great dad. Kids are drawn to him. If he has a beard kids are initally scared, but give them a few minutes to get past it and then they are best friends. He really is a human jungle gym; a kid at heart. One of my favorite things is to watch him teach a snowboard lesson to a group of kids. He is so animated, patient, and really just a good instructor.
I love Daniel. I love that we get to grow old together. I am so happy that we are sealed for time and all eternity. He is my Captain America, I'm a pretty lucky girl that he loves me back.

Public Opinion

When we first started trying to get pregnant only one of my sister-in-laws knew. We wanted it to be a surprise when we told everyone we were pregnant. After being married for a couple of years people start asking "When are you going to have kids?" We'd brush it off and say "Oh someday." We didn't want to tell people we were having problems getting pregnant. But as we started going to the doctor we began telling our family and friends. We figured the more people praying for us the better our chances of getting pregnant.
We are at the age where all our friends and sibling are having kids. Sometimes people are afraid to tell us their good news because they don't want to hurt us. But we are happy for them! What an exciting time for them. Just because we can't have biological children doesn't mean we don't want others too. True, sometimes I get sad or jealous, but it is a personal thing and nothing against the expectant parents.
There was a time when I would get so angry and hurt when random people would ask "Why don't you have kids. You should be having kids," or my favorite "Maybe you should stop doing so much playing and have kids." Seriously, why do people say things to people whom they know nothing about. Unfortunately people are always going to make thoughtless comments. Daniel and I have now accepted that and instead of getting angry we just tell them "Well thanks, but we can't have kids." It is actually kind of funny to see them realize they've said something rude or unthoughtful and try to back pedal. It is also hard when you can tell that people don't think that you are trying hard enough to have kids, or when they give you advise on how to get pregnant - yeah, because they've ever had to deal with infertility.
I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what people say or think. We all have different trials in life. It would do us all good to remember to "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Infertility and Faith

There were times when I questioned God; I couldn't see his plan for us. We wanted to start our family. We could provide a good home, with a loving family. This is a righteous desire so why can't we get pregnant?
The first major time I was dealing with feelings like this was after two years of trying to get pregnant. We had just done a round of ovulation treatment and had gotten a negative on the the pregnancy test that morning. At church all the talks were about trials and it just really hit me hard. I had to go out to the foyer I was crying so uncontrollably. As I was sitting there I realized how blessed I really was. No I couldn't have kids, but I did have a wonderful, loving husband. I have sisters and friends who don't have that blessing yet in their lives. So who am I to doubt or complain when I have so much happiness in my husband.
Over time we have come to rely on the Lord and his timing. Just like they say, "Hind sight is 20/20."
Looking back we realize that if we had kids when we wanted to, we would have missed out on so much. We've had the chance to travel and make memories as a couple that has strengthened our marriage and given us experiences we can draw on for the rest of our lives. We got to spend time with my sister before she passed away, that if we'd had kids would not have happened and those are memories I will cherish forever.
This experience has brought us closer to our Heavenly Father. It helps us to rely on his love, his wisdom, and to trust in his timing. It is so comforting to know that He can see the big picture and our path on it. It also brought us closer as a couple. We've been able to understand each others pain as no one around us can.
Infertility is hard. I don't think our friends and family truly realize the pain and stress it causes, or the trials we've had to bear. I don't think you can really understand unless it happens to you. But our Father in Heaven knows our pain and hears our prayers. He offers us his open, loving arms to comfort us and guide us.

Infertility

Adoption has always been a thought in the back of my mind. As a teenager my menstrual cycles were abnormal, but doctors brushed it off as me being young and my body trying to figure things out. From then on I knew adoption could be a part of my future.
What I didn't expect was how hard it is to deal with infertility.
January 2008 we started our journey. We had just graduated from college and were trying to settle down. We thought the timing would be just right and we'd have a baby in the fall.
A year passed by and still no baby. There were a couple false alarms, but the pregnancy test stick always came out negative. It is hard on you emotionally to get your hopes up and then knocked down when you see that negative sign. After that first year we realized we'd have to do more than just hope and try.
I started keeping a daily health log, taking my temperature to figure out my ovulation. Then buying ovulation tests and peeing on a stick every day of the month and getting so frustrated trying to figure out if I was ovulating or not. Often I would bleed so heavy and with massive clots I thought I might be having a miscarriage. Then there are months at a time that I wouldn't bleed at all. My hormones were all over the place.
After almost two years we came to the conclusion that we couldn't do this on our own. The next phase - doctor visits. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Two out of ten women have PCOS. There is no cure and they don't know how or why women have it. So everything the doctor does is really just trial and error. PCOS means my eggs never develop and release from my ovaries. They stay in cyst form and build up. In other words I don't ovulate; Infertile.
There are of course other side effects of PCOS that I have to deal with besides infertility. My side effects include weight gain, especially around the mid section, excessive body hair, loss of hair from your head, acne, abnormal menstrual cycles, loss of energy, and moodiness. Just what every girl wants, right?
I started with having a healthy diet and exercise to try to lose weight. The doctor prescribed Metformin. It didn't work, so the doctor added Clomid. Clomid is meant to make you ovulate. So here Daniel and I are again, me peeing on sticks trying to catch the right time to make a baby. It doesn't matter if Daniel or I are "in the mood" or not. If we want a baby we've got to try right then.
Nothing was working. Daniel was tested, my doses were raised, there were more pills. Pills to make me bleed, pills to make me ovulate, pills for hormones, pills for who knows what.
I was done. Drained emotionally and tired physically. I think that if any of the medication would have worked my body would have canceled it out because of all my stress from trying to have a baby. It was time to take a step back. We stopped "trying" for a couple of months, hoping to let my body rest and reset. Of course secretly we were wishing that by simplifying we would miraculously get pregnant. We didn't.
When we were ready to try again I was done with doctors and their trial and error medications. This time we went a natural route. I started having acupuncture done and taking vitamins and herbal supplements. At first it seemed like it was helping, but then before long my body went back to its old tricks.
At this point I found a new doctor, one that is highly specialized for infertility. Things had been going OK, but still no baby in my belly.