During the summer I started going to a new doctor. I was
pretty pumped on him because everything he suggested we should do made sense.
He started out by putting me on birth control. I know this
sounds counterproductive but it was to give my body a break, to let it relax
before pumping it full of fertility drugs. After a month of birth control he
prescribed Clomid and Femara, both fertility meds, and also two kinds of
natural/herbal/vitamin fertility pills.
With other doctors I’ve had, after prescribing fertility
pills, I had to do ovulation tests to see if the pills were working. It is so hard
to read those tests and sometimes the meds you are taking can give you false
readings. So it is really a guessing game. I had told my new doctor that I was
tired of guessing, tired of wondering if the meds helped, but we missed the
window of opportunity, or if the meds just didn’t work for us. My doctor
suggested that we do Trans vaginal ultrasounds. On day 3 of my cycle I would
get an ultrasound and on day 14 I would get another one. The ultrasounds would
be checking to see my progress with the medicine and to see if they were
helping me to ovulate.
That first month I took the fertility meds and vitamins and
after the day 14 ultrasound, I didn’t have any follicles. This means my body
didn’t release an egg and was not going to in the next two weeks either.
Meaning there was no chance of getting pregnant.
Month 2 my doctor gave me pills to induce my period since I
wasn’t having it on my own and he doubled my Femara dosage and kept me on all
the other pills too. I asked why he didn’t double my Clomid dosage, like
previous doctors had done. He explained that double Clomid makes your mucus
membrane thicker which makes it harder for sperm to penetrate and make it to
the egg. Why didn’t my other doctors know this!
After the ultrasound on day 14 of month 2 I did have a few
follicles (yeah!), but they measured 6 and smaller and the doctor wants them
between 18-20 (boo!). So the chances of me ovulating were very slim to none.
Meaning not really a chance to get pregnant. As depressing as that news is, at
least I know that normal fertility pills don’t work. Now I don’t have to go
through more months of pills that make me act crazy, or getting my hopes up. At
least now we know for sure.
The worst part is when I sat down with my doctor after month
2 and he told me there is nothing else he can do for me. He referred us to an
invitro specialist in Salt Lake City. It was at this point that I had him fill
out the infertility paperwork for the adoption agency. One of the questions on
the form is “What is this couple’s chance of conceiving? 0% 15% 30% 50% 75%
Other.” He said “Well, I hate to tell anyone that there is 0%, so I’ll write in
less than 15%. But the chance is very unlikely.”
That broke my heart. I always knew that could be a truth,
but it is different hiding the thought in the back of your mind compared to
someone telling you to your face. I didn’t cry in the doctor’s office – I hate
crying in front of people. I tried calling my mom, no answer. I tried calling
my sister, no answer. I called one of my sisters in-law, and with saying “Hi.
So I just got out of my doctor appointment…” I started crying, no, I was
sobbing. It was too hard to vocalize it; it would mean that it was true.
I went to Daniel’s work to tell him and he just held me
tight and let me cry. We cried together.
Later on I got ahold of my mom and of course I started
crying again (ugh!). She was trying to console me and was telling me there is a
reason for everything. I know what she was saying is true. I know that God has
a plan for Daniel and me and that our path isn’t as traditional as those around
us. I know things will work out, but it still sucks. It sucks having to deal
with all this. It sucks being told basically you can’t bear children. It sucks
thinking that if Daniel would have married someone else he could have as many
kids as he wanted.
But you know what? My mom is right, things will work out. We
have to go through infertility because we need to adopt. There is a child that
will be in our family, but they have to touch someone else’s life first. I know
this to be true, and that does give me comfort. Is our current trial still hard
to go through? Yes, of course. But just like that song I mentioned on my last
post says, “Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through; was the price
that I paid to see this view; and now that I'm here I would never trade...”(Beautiful
Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks).
These experiences and trials that Daniel and I are going
through are going to make us have so much more love and appreciation for the
child that comes into our family. We know that God IS directing a specific
child to be in our family.
If there are any birth parents reading this, I’m asking you
to please listen to the Spirit and trust those feelings you have. You have a
hard trial to bear, but you are not alone. You are loved. And you will be
giving so much happiness and love. Thank you.
